I'd like a plate of Truth or Dare with a side orde
by KinkyEyepatchShit
Summary: All know and fear the Shiseiten, the gods of death. They threw down whole armies without breaking a sweat. But one must wonder what these bloodthirsty creatures do for fun? Well, let's find out. CRACKFIC BABY! Rated M for a reason R


Disclaimer: I don't own Samurai Deeper Kyo

Disclaimer: I don't own Samurai Deeper Kyo. Because if I did, a certain blond fire wielder would be carried off and have yummy things done to him by Kyo.

A/N: Rumors of my death have been exaggerated. I have decided that I HAVE to get over this funk of mine. This writer's block is pissing me off. So here is a fun little look into this silly occasion of the Shiseiten. The idea made me smile. Rated for language, situations, alcohol, dares, truths, implied Kyotaru, and Akari.

**I'd like a plate of Truth or Dare with a side order of I Never, please**

All know and fear the Shiseiten, the gods of death who once conquered whole armies single handedly without breaking a bead of sweat. They were the creatures that plagued small children in the land of dreams, and older men on the blood splattered battlefield.

But one must wonder…what do these blood thirst creatures do for entertainment?

"Alright Akari, your turn…Truth or dare?" the one eyed warrior questioned, a cocky grin spreading its way across his wide mouth.

The pink haired woman giggles, "You should already know, silly Bon. Dare." She shifted her slender form until it was more comfortably situated on top of her folded legs, staring expectantly at Bon.

A teen with light strawberry blond hair sighed, boredom radiating from him. He lay on his left side facing his companions, cheek cupped in the palm of his propped up arm. His eyes were closed, further emphasizing his bored state.

"This is stupid. You're all like a bunch of kids, playing this dumb game," he complained, attempting to shield his flaming pink cheeks of previous embarrassment.

"I dare you to kiss Kyo," Bon continued, ignoring the teen.

The teen's eyes immediately flew open, the blue orbs widened in shock, "WHAT!?" he immediately rolled over and stared at the older members of the group, gauging their reactions.

Another blond sat up on his haunches, pulling his gaze from the cracking fire and fixing lifeless golden eyes on the unfolding scene with mild interest.

"Bon, I had no idea you were into that sort of thing," a raven haired man spoke up, face twisted into an amused sneer as he leaned further against the tree at his back, crimson eyes lidded lazily.

Akari beamed a one hundred watt smile, nearly blinding her companions with shiny white teeth, "He must be noticing the error of his ways, and now supports our marriage! Bon, that's so sweet!" she cooed, clapping her gloved hands together in delight.

The one eyed warrior snorted, "I'm not into that," he stated, casting a narrow eyed glance in Kyo's direction, "and I don't give a shit about your marriage," he added, taking pride in the resulting deflate of Akari's joyous mood.

She pouted, sulkily crossing her arms over her chest, "So what's the deal then?"

A positively wicked smirk tugged at the older man's lips, "You always blather on and on about your love for Kyo. Prove right here, right now that you have the balls to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak," he explained.

"I thought Akari-chan didn't have balls," the golden eyed blond piped up quietly, curious gaze settling on the pink haired woman.

Akari chuckled, "I don't, Hotaru. But," she rose to her feet and slowly sauntered toward the crimson eyed man, "a dare's a dare." With that, she crouched down and planted a chaste peck against Kyo's cheek.

Three eyeballs bulged out of their sockets at the display and two jaws dropped in shock while a pair of golden eyes stared in slight awe.

"I'll save the rest for our honey moon," Akari purred, winking playfully at the crimson eyed man. He smirked at her as she settled a few feet away from him and casually flipped her hair over her shoulder, "Now I believe it's your turn Bon. Truth or dare?"

The older man blinked his single eye rapidly, brain trying to compute what just occurred, tongue tripping over lips in an attempt to form words.

"Buzz, you're taking too long. I'll choose for you. Your dare is to give Kyo one compliment," Akari said smugly, wagging a finger in the air.

Akira snorted skeptically, "That's impossible. Like Hotaru getting a brain," he threw out his opinion, "come up with a better dare Akari."

"Yeah or like Akira eating a caterpillar…" agreed Hotaru, "Ohhh I think I know my next dare," he murmured to himself, casting his eyes toward the teen.

Akira glared, "Don't even think about it," he hissed, jabbing a dangerous finger at the other blond.

"Well Bon? Do you have the balls to do something as easy as compliment Kyo?" Akari taunted, voice dropping into a low, malicious pitch.

Bon cleared his throat, jaw set firm, "Alright. I'll do it. I am a man after all, and he's got to stick to a certain code."

He gazed steadily at Kyo, brows knit together in a frown, "I…"

The others leaned in eagerly, preparing for the moment of humiliation.

"I CAN'T DAMMIT! THERE'S NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS BUM!" the one eyed roared at the top of his lungs, scrunching his eye shut.

Akari clucked her tongue, shaking her head in silent disappointment, "Some man you are, Bon."

She reached into the long flowing sleeve of her kimono, "And as punishment, you have to eat this." The pink haired woman held up a brown pine cone between index finger and thumb, staring proudly at her challenger.

Bon gawked, mouth wide in a combination of shock and disbelief, "You gotta be shitting me!"

Kyo chuckled darkly at the older man's predicament while the two teens snickered in earnest. Akari merely smiled, presence radiating the calmness of the Queen Bee of the Shiseiten.

"SHUT UP KYO! THIS IS YOUR DAMN FAULT!" shrieked the one eyed man, shaking an angry fist in the air.

"You're the pussy who couldn't complete the dare. Quit your bitching and eat it already," Kyo replied, folding his arms across his broad chest and fixing Bon with a solemn look brimming with amusement.

Bon growled angrily, snatched the pine cone of doom from Akari and stuffed it into his mouth, wincing as he chewed the prickly cone.

That resulted in renewed laughter, and Akira's sputtered, "I'd offer you some soy sauce, but I don't have it on me at the moment."

"Hey Bon, do you eat small infants too?" Hotaru curiously asked, head cocked to the side.

Bon bristled, struggling to swallow the pine cone bits.

Akari sniggered, "Save that for your next truth question."

She turned wickedly glinting eyes toward the next victim, "Oi Akira…it's your turn. Truth or Dare?"

The teen visibly flinched, "Bon's supposed to ask that!" he protested, hesitantly glancing at the aforementioned man.

Bon was having some trouble of his own, beating a hand against his chest, lips releasing hacking coughs that shook his muscled body. The pine cone wasn't going down without a fight.

Akari's lips curled into a smirk, "He seems to be a little preoccupied at the moment. So I'll go ahead and help him out. Your dare is to sing 'I'm a little tea pot' at the top of your lungs actually doing the spout and handle gestures."

Akira stared at her in horror, "HELL NO! I CHOOSE TRUTH!" he exclaimed, simultaneously rising into a sitting position.

"Well then truth it is. What were you dreaming so hard about the other night? You were rolling around and mouthing something…maybe a name? Hmm?" the pink haired woman questioned, eyes hooded, giving off the sly look of someone who knows all.

"I mean dare!" Akira stated, frantically glancing around, anywhere but at his companions.

"Hey…Bon's turning blue," Hotaru calmly observed.

"That's nice Hotaru…Akira.Go.Sing," Akari commanded, pointing a finger to the center of their makeshift circle.

Kyo arched an eyebrow at a sputtering Bon, whose face had taken on a disturbing shade of blue.

"B-But it's so embarrassing! I'd never lower myself to that! That's Bon Level humiliation!" Akira knew his voice rose in an annoying whiney pitch, but he didn't give a damn. His cheeks were once again stained red with embarrassment, and once again the pink haired female was responsible.

"I don't give a crap. A dare's a dare brat. Now do it!" Akari's voice was firm, her eyes hardened.

Hotaru had an annoying choice to make. Watch the youngest member of their group humiliate himself for the pure joy (and blackmail) of their resident shaman, or assist the choking one eyed man. Humiliation or choking old man who adamantly waved one arm about while the other clutched at his neck?

Kyo certainly wasn't going to do anything. He just sat against the tree; crimson eyes calmly watching the scene unfold.

Decision made just as Bon sank to his knees, eyes rolling into the back of his head; Hotaru swung an arm out, slapping the one eyed man in the back once, twice, until chunks of pine cone flew out of the man's mouth as his body jerked forward.

Bon coughed, greedily sucking as much air as he could back into his lungs, and glanced at Hotaru, "Took you damn long enough! I was about to die!"

Hotaru rolled his eyes, disgruntled, "Che, what a drama queen," he muttered, casually wiggling a pinkie finger in his ear.

It was at that moment Akira belted out the first words of the song, swaying his hips at Akari's urge and tipping his body forward along with his spout, (his shaking arm, curved at the elbow).

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout,"

Bon, quickly recovered due to the graphic humiliation of a comrade, burst into laughter, pointing mockingly at the teen and rocking back on his heels.

Akari, with tears of mirth leaking from her eyes, clapped politely, "Alright that's enough. Hehe, I never knew you had such a grand singing voice Akira-kun."

Bon immediately joined in, "Yeah, we'll have to hear it again some time."

The only indication of Kyo's amusement was the slight upward curve at the corner of his lips.

"It was awful," Hotaru admitted, "It sounded like a dying raccoon," he shook his head, bewildered at his friends' lack of musical talent.

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A RACCOON IS!" Akira screamed his face now red as a tomato with rage rather than left over embarrassment, "AND MY SINGING WASN'T THAT BAD!"

"No I don't know what a raccoon is, but I'm sure that's what a dying one sounded like," Hotaru replied.

"Fuck off!" snapped the irritable teen, clenching his fists at his sides in anger, "It's your turn now, isn't it?!" he added, trying to change the subject.

"Dare," Hotaru said, nodding his head expectantly. If everyone else was doing dare, he would too. After all, the blond had a tendency to treat everything as a challenge.

"Alright," The chance for the spotlight of humiliation to be shined on someone else approached, and Akira recognized it, "Go for a swim in the lake over there," at this he pointed into the trees, where only a few feet away was a sparkling lake, "and do it naked." The teen smirked, figuring he had won, and Hotaru had tipped the scale of embarrassment this time.

"I hate water," the other blond muttered, reluctantly rising to his feet.

"Skinny dipping? Oh my, I never knew you thought about Hotaru's wet, naked body like that Akira," Akari said, an innocent expression on her face.

Bon snickered. Kyo smirked.

"You're the only one here who thinks about other men's wet naked bodies," Akira retorted sourly.

"Nope, just Kyo's wet naked body!" the pink haired female chirped, licking her lips at the thought.

Two males shuddered.

"I'm not gonna lose to you Akira," Hotaru piped up. That said, he shucked his clothing right then and there without a moments hesitation.

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO STRIP RIGHT HERE YOU DUMBASS! NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE ALL THAT!" Akira shrieked, shielding his eyes from Hotaru in all his naked glory.

"Hotaru not in front of a lady!" Akari chided, averting her eyes from the sight.

"Pfft, what lady? But I agree, no one needs to see all your junk," Bon piped up.

Akari lunged forward and wrapped her hands around Bon's neck, "This lady!" she hissed, shaking his head back and forth.

Thinking nothing of it, determined to win, Hotaru marched on to the lake, ignoring Bon's near death experience.

Luckily Bon is released once Akari loses interest. Minutes pass.

"Bet you 100 mon he gets himself lost," Bon said, rubbing at his sore neck sulkily.

"No, he's gonna get eaten by something out there," Kyo spoke up, unconcerned.

Suddenly a splash reverberated through the air, followed by,

"Ouch, my ass! I hate water; I thought it was deeper over here! Owie, my ass, my ass!"

Guffaws and side splitting laughter echoed around the camp site.

Even though his body continued to shake with such force, Bon managed to ask, "O-okay. Whose gonna go get him? The dumbass left his clothes here." He pointed a finger to the pile of carelessly discarded clothing.

"He should have taken them with him. I say let him walk back here naked. Serves him right," Akira moodily stated.

"You really want to see all that again?" Akari questioned, a wry grin spread across her lips, "You sure you're not into that sort of thing Akira?"

Akira bristled, "NO! If you're so concerned about him, then you go get him Bon-Bon!"

Bon held his hands up in a hold-on-one-minute gesture, "No way. I don't want to see him naked any more than you guys do."

This caused the group to pause.

"Then what do we do?" Akira asked.

Kyo abruptly stood and without speaking, took off in the direction Hotaru headed.

"Hey Kyo, where ya going?" Akira called after the older man, a curious glint in his eyes.

"He, unlike you guys, is a gentleman. He wouldn't be so vulgar as to piss in a lady's presence," Akari snootily explained.

"Something tells me a lady wouldn't say piss," Akira murmured.

"What was that?" Akari hissed, leaning forward threateningly.

"Nothing!" Akira hastily replied.

"…..Oh that's not it," Bon supplied, a knowing look on his face.

Both remaining members of the group eagerly stared at him at rapt attention,

"Tell us then!" Akira demanded, "You don't think he's…" the teen trails off into an awkward silence.

Akari wrinkled her nose in disgust and slapped the teen in the arm, "Ew you little perv! Kyo wouldn't go into the forest like that to jerk off!"

Akira blushed, "Don't say that out loud!" That makes an image.

Bon scowled, using all of his mental power to put up a shield against any unnecessary images that might leak into this brain. Internally he thought, 'damn you Akari.'

He cast his single eye around the camp site in search of anything to distract the others. It settled on an open jug of sake. "Let's play something else. It's called I Never."

Akira cocked an eyebrow, "How do you play?"

Akari grinned, "Bon you devious old fart," she cooed fondly, "You know just how to cheer us up."

Bon growled at the old fart comment, but said nothing.

The pink haired woman took the sake jug and placed it in the center of their circle.

"Okay it goes like this: You say something truthful like, I never had any siblings. Anyone who applies to the true fact has to drink. Get it?" she explained.

Akira nodded, a bit uncomfortable over the drinking thing. The last incident involving alcohol still gave him nightmares.

"Okay I'll start. I've never gotten off to someone in this group in broad day light," Akari said.

With a heavy sigh, Bon reached for the jug and took a brief swig.

Two mischievous faces greeted Bon once he pulls the jug away.

"So Bon…was it any good?" Akari challenged slyly.

Bon smirked right back, "Don't you know it. I never off to someone whose name starts with a K."

Akira's cheeks flamed once again as he snatched the jug from Bon and knocked it back.

"No surprise there," Bon teased, earning him a snarky glare from the teen.

"I never had sex with a man," Akira continued smugly, knowing he had caught at least one of the two.

Sure enough, Akari knocked back a shot.

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One hour later a very drenched and weary Hotaru emerged from the forest, followed by a perky looking Kyo.

They paused before the campsite.

"I Never?" Kyo automatically guessed.

Akari swayed over to the pair, tugging at their arms in order to guide them to the circle,

"Of course! Now where were you guys? I was worried about you Kyo!" she chirped.

Notice her lack of concern over Hotaru, who settled down beside Akira who could barely keep his eyes open, disheveled clothes and all.

"Hehehe, I know! I know!" Bon slurred, "But I'll let you guys figure it out. I ferget whose turn izzit?" He blinked his blurred eye around the group. (A/N my attempt at drunktalk. Didn't really work out)

"Kyo should go!" Akari said, clinging tighter to the man's arm.

They both took a seat, while Kyo thought up something. He suddenly smirked.

"I never fucked a girl with her on top in nothing but a pair of sandals," He finally said.

Bon cursed loudly and took a swig while the others laughed.

Twenty minutes later…..

Kyo stared up at the sky as if in deep thought, "I never fucked a blind and mute girl…with my shit half on…while wearing a hat."

Bon slammed his fist against the ground, "OH COME ON!" Whose dumb idea was it to play this game again? Oh yeah it was his.

He reluctantly snatched their fifth jug of sake from Hotaru's shaky hands and took a swig, his eye half open but barely.

Akira wearily sat up, "Okay…I never did the same thing…with her on top…and wearing a man thong."

"COME ON!" Bon shouted again.

"That was a good one," Akari slurred, her head resting atop Kyo's warm shoulder. On the other side of the crimson eyed man, Hotaru was halfway asleep himself, empty bottles of sake littering his area.

"I'm out…" Bon mumbled, finally toppling over into a dead faint. His head made a painful thump noise as it hit the ground and rustled up a few blades of grass and dirt.

Drunken cheers hit the air as the victors soaked up the feelings of triumph.

"Stupid Bon," Akira held out his hand to his companions. "Pay up guys."

"Can we write on him?" Akari asked, pulling herself away from Kyo's warmth in favor of more fun.

Kyo gave her a questioning glance. Was anyone even sober enough to write legibly?

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The moon hung high in the sky when Bon regained consciousness. He shuffled into the forest to drop the kiddies off at the pool.

The one eyed man crouched behind a conveniently placed bush by the lake and dropped his pants.

By chance, he glanced down into the lake.

The remaining Shiseiten members all waited with bated breath, all in various poses of feigned sleep.

"YOU BASTARDS!" The beast formally known as Bon screamed.

Apparently they could write just fine. Bon was not at all happy to see the 'insert big ding dong here,' on his ass cheeks with an arrow pointing into his crack.

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end.

OHMYGOD that was FUN! It's 3:30 in the morning, so please mention to me any mistakes I made when I can consciously fix them. This might just be what I need to start posting again. We all know what Kyo was up to (cackles) I hope some of you enjoyed that as much as I did. XD. So please read and review, keep comments polite por favor.

HotIceRed


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